Your kids are cute, but you suck.

Alright folks, we have an epidemic of idiocy in our nation right now. Your kids are adorable, they really are. They're cute and have that wide eyed innocent look that makes me want to hug them for hours. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the kids I get to see fall into one of two categories.

1. Isn't he an angel?

I understand that your kid is a reflection of you and your partner and they have all your best traits and blah blah blah, but seriously, can you stop your demon child from going crazy? Everyone else sees a beautiful little boy with big eyes and a mischievous grin, I see the kid crushing crackers and knocking them around everywhere and losing his shit when you take his drink away after he's dumped it on the floor for the sixth time. Or, which is worse, your kid loses their shit for no apparent reason. They go completely wild and then stop out of no where, and pull some exorcist head spinning stunt and begin screaming at the top of their lungs. I'm tempted to bring a Bible and start reading Psalms in the hope he'll calm down. Our cream of broccoli soup looks way too much like split pea soup for this crap to fly.

Yeah, your kid is adorable. Get him away from me.

2. He's so sweet!
An even more shocking event is when I come to your table and your seven years old child is sweet and polite and you're a complete ass! Your child should not be more mature than you. If they are barely able to use the big boy potty all by themselves and they're apologizing for your behavior, you fail at life and I'm calling child protective services.